When did I fall in love in the first place?

When asked this question, my mind would go back to the place where it all began. Where I was taught to actually 'see' what love means. What does it mean to really understand the word 'love for the sake of Allah'.

I remembered on my first day, trying to suss out where to go, what to do and not to cry, basically. I've never even heard about this place, let alone where it was on google Earth. All I know, people come here to excel and fly overseas. This was my chance to be one of those people.

While I was trying to get my mind together, carrying all sorts of things that were just given to me (a bucket which I will use for the next 2 years for laundry, I somehow remembered this very vividly God knows why), a senior sister came up to me, offering her help. Now, first thing on that came across my mind was actually, what does this person really want, hmmm? It's sad right to for that to pop up inside my head despite her genuine help (who knows?) I always wonder, is there still that sort of person left in this world, who would go out of her own ways to help others without asking anything in return? Even I expect something when I've done any good to others ehem...

Talk about something smells fishy. And it was, indeed.

Over the next few days (crying aside as I felt so alone being left in the middle of nowhere), God-knows-who started texting me. I haven't had the faintest idea where she got my numbers from. First instinct kicks in again. Very, very fishy indeed... This senior sister was asking me about how I was settling in, any problems to just let her know and asked if I could meet up with her when I'm free. Okayyyy... In this normal world, anyone would freaked out, right? I mean, a total stranger. But, seeing as I'm in KMB where there's less than 400 people in the campus and everyone is like the cream of the cream, I doubt weird people comes here. At least, it was safer than the outside world.

To cut long story short, this was where it all started. The rest is history.

People that I have come across in KMB, the weird and wonderful people, they were indeed God-sent to me. To make me see clearer, what everything is all about. To reset my life compass. Made me see the purpose of life.  Life is certainly a race, but it's more than chasing to become a straight As student who made it overseas, to further study in one of the most prestigious field in UK/Ireland universities, to finally being a doctor. That was my aim before. and it still is. But, there is so much more to this life than just that. Which one is aim and actually a tool. The classic egg yolk and egg white (to be honest, I have to read about this again and again everytime before I explain it to the younger generations just to make sure I got it right in my head).

Going back to that question: When did I fall in love in the first place?
I couldn't remember exactly the date but the moments just sort of intertwined together to make the perfect memory for me. Those days of meeting up with sisters, huddling together in a circle, opening our quran (that was the first time I had a small one and was introduced to the colourful stickers you would put on your favourite ayahs) and just literally in awe of what He is saying. For the first time in my life, I felt like He was actually talking to me through His words. Not just to everyone in general or the prophets. But to me. Who am I compared to all these amazing people that once lived and endured so many obstacles just because of Him? What have I done that I deserve to be spoken the same way? 

It is absolutely mindblowing how these people I have met in KMB, to introduce these things to me, which I was obviously oblivious to before this. How do they do it? How do they connect people to Allah, those who just merely wandering purposeless or their purpose was just so tiny compared to the bigger things I have just been introduced to?

It's because they don't just teach and pass it on. It's because they really understand and their hearts are full of the love for Allah that it's just a must to pour it out to others as well. They want others to experience it as well, to share with everyone what it truly feels like to be in love.

and I think that is when I really felt what they did and taught me, was genuinely out of love for Allah. and I hope that I'll be able to continue to do that as well.

Reason to live

When i was in 3rd year, with exam just around the corner, my fb wall was suddenly flooded with news about a fire that happened in Moscow and few malaysian medical students were involved in it. And then, there were news about one student whom I have never ever met before, who unfortunately suffered severe injury from the accident and died. 

At such a young age. Yet, she has touched the hearts of many. Stories about the good deeds that she did were written by those who knew her. What caught my attention was one of the many which said , "saya bersaksi yang akak dah tunaikan shahadatul haq akak." 

And then, more statements came after that. All that claimed that you have done your job, akk. 

At that very moment, you have touched my heart in so many ways. 

I even printed 'kata-kata semangat' that was based on your stories. You were in your final year of Medicine. Sikit je lagi. But Allah willed other ways for you. Because He wanted you to have a better ending. And because you have done what you need. 

And then i forgot about you for a while. 

Last night, i slept at 12.30 am. Before i closed my eyes, a thought came into my mind , what if You want to take me on the same day as I was born? Out of all the days to think it about, i just wondered. Sebelum ni jarang sangat nak fikir. Tak ingat the last time fikir benda ni. Maybe the first and last thing yg bermain di kepala, the next day nak kena buat apa. Rasa yakin je dgn ad next day. 

Terbangun pukul 3 pagi. It was dark but it was a different kind of dark. I was so afraid i was somewhere I wasn't used to. The last thing i remembered was thinking about death. And it shook me to the core. It took a good few minutes for me to realise i was just in my room under my duvet, but that feeling was surreal. Checked my phone, it was 3.39am. Allah has indeed given me another chance by giving me another day . 

And today, my fb wall was flooded by news about the death of yet another fighter, a newly qualified doctor, a sister who has been so strong throughout her journey. She chose to live. With the limited time that she had, she chose to carry on with her fight and did her best in what she does. She was blessed with a strong family by her side too. Never met her in my life. But now i know its possible you can touch the hearts of so many people through your life. Through what you have learned so that it can be a lesson to others who have yet to be on their way to meet our Rabb. 

Moga Allah kurniakan khusnul khatimah buat mujahidah2 ini, yang telah hidupkan beribu hati yang terlena n terleka. Moga Allah terus kurniakan semangat untuk terus berlari. My time to rest is not here yet, so keep going eh? 

There must be a reason why Allah has chosen me to live today.

in Your hands

Tidak ada sesuatu musibah yang menimpa seseorang, kecuali dgn izin Allah; dan barangsiapa beriman kepada Allah, nescaya Allah akan memberi petunjuk kepada hatinya. Dan Allah mengetahui segala sesuatu

(64:11) 

you know, in the du'a that we make after reading mathurat, there's a bit where we say: 'Jangan Engkau biarkan nasib kami ditentukan oleh diri kami sendiri...'

I mean, how far do we go in saying it as actually we really mean it?

Leaving everything in Your hands, was one of the hardest thing I had to force myself to comprehend. and being able to accept and believe, that actually I have no power in what has happened and what will happen. 

and I have asked for a new heart time and time again. and You actually did. but I was the one who always messed it up. time and time again. how ungrateful can a servant be?

I am at the verge of breaking, but You're the one who is holding me whole, and always has been. and it took so many life events for me to be able to open my eyes and see it. 

this road is ever so long Allah.

and i've been making the wrong turns many times. 

life is indeed a great big test. 

hikmah

its hard actually whenever you are given a hardship, and you want to see the good things behind it.
i think its because  i am so focused on the problem itself that i failed to see the hundred blessings that are in disguise.

hardships are blessings in disguise.

really?

have faith, Nabila. it has been a while hasn't it? you say to people, trust Allah.
and how much do you actually trust in Allah, hmmm?

running towards Allah should be all the time, not just when you are faced with difficulties.
remember that.

Allah, calm this little hard heart of mine please? 

mud

To be playing in the mud
once you have already cleaned yourself
now, how stupid is that?

PK

boleh la nak tadabbur satu movie ni. eh.

take what is relevant.

"You say there is only one God. I say there is two. One, who created us. The other, is the one you created." -PK

this, truly, has opened and blown my mind away.
to the simplest questions that he asks, yet, no one seemed to brave enough to answer. everyone keeps it to themselves. including me.

ada sorg ukhti kata,
iman seseorang itu berbeza.
bila saya kata, "aku percaya" saya banyakkan ibadah
bila sahabat kata, "aku percaya" dia terus berjihad.

now everywhere i look, i see how awful the world, the media, the enemies has stigmatized us Muslims and Islam itself.
with just mere shouts of "Allahu Akbar" and something bad happens, then all fingers are pointing to us. us with the hijabs, us who carries the Muslim identity.

If I can pick a fairytale stories that I think suits with today's situation, it would be 'The Emperor's new clothes'. When each and everyone knows and SEES that there is something so terribly wrong with what the emperor is 'wearing', and yet, because no one dares to speak out, they all just stay quiet and nod their heads agreeing with what seems to be 'right'.
but finally a child from the crowd suddenly shouted out, "he's not wearing anything!", only then, did everyone realised.

No, everyone has long realised it. but its just because the majority stays silent and no one wanted to  be the odd one out. even though they would be telling the truth.

Now tell me, isn't the world we're living now the same?

"maka beruntunglah orang2 yang dagang."

and now i can see macam mana golongan yang sedikit dapat mengalahkan golongan yang banyak. because it was never about the numbers.
it's whether you are with al-haq or al-batil.

betul lah, Allah bagi janji, kemenangan tu milik Dia. and whoever side we're on, make sure its under Him.

solitude

I think for me, the meaning of tarbiyyah is becoming clearer.
For a long time, I thought I could survive on my own. but that's just it. Tarbiyyah means you have to hold on. But you can't hold on, on your own, for long.
There's always a reason why we were made as an ummah. one person means so much to another. why our deen is and always will be based on how strong we are when we're together.
One stick can easily be broken, but not when its in a big bundle tied with one string.
and now, it is becoming harder to hold on to this tarbiyyah especially if you're alone. He will surely test you. and I am going through it right now.
Once, not so long ago, all I ever wanted was a time for myself. to build myself and become stronger. No doubt I have others to go to but you know, there's always a period of time, usually when everyone is looking for you, that you just need to leave them and go away to a quiet place. just you, alone. away from the bustling of people. from the noise.
no matter how many times we've all heard it, i'm just going to say it again: when you finally have what you want, it will become a test rather than a nikmat. Be it anything.
For me, right now, its that period of silence. period of no one searching for you, no one worrying about you. no one, to ask you how's your iman. just you, trying to maintain it. we're not even talking about raising it. just trying to be just above that danger zone.

we all need sustenance. we all need tarbiyyah.
just, for once, appreciate the company Allah has given you. and that period of being alone, is not for forever. once you gain back the strength that you need, you need to quickly join others again.