A lie

I often lie to myself. I say that I'm in a search for Allah, but I'm not even trying. He keeps giving me signs and clues through everyone and everything that's happening around me, but I didn't see. I turned away.

Last night made me realised that if I want Allah with me, I need to be in a constant search for Him. I don't know about everyone else but I can only focus on one thing at a time. everything that i do, is a step-by-step process. being an IB student, you have to prioritize right? it's true in a way. but also wrong. I've been prioritizing other things, unimportant n unnecessary things. Where is Allah in my heart? I've been telling myself, "oh, He's here Nabila, in ur heart. you can turn to Him whenever you want.'

But that's just it. He's not. He's trying to be but it's me who's not letting Him in.

Allah has not made for a man two hearts in his interior.

33:4

Allah made us with one heart and this heart is only for Him. How unfortunate for us if we let something else to be inside us.

Boleh x bagitau saya tuan yang mencari hambanya? It's hard to find, isn't it? I can only find Allah who does that. Who are we to Allah? but then again, what have we done to Him? Its never enough to give back what He has given us. Allah asks us only to do two things in this life: Be an a'bid and a khalifah. Have we done any one of those thing correctly? These questions goes to me in particular. I haven't been able to answer them truthfully all this while. All I did is lie to myself. saying things that made me seem like a good person but actually, i'm nowhere near it.

I can't do this alone, i know that. Its hard as it is. This is where ukhwah fillah comes in :) just knowing I have my Muslim brothers and sisters who r on the same road with me, pulling me back up whenever I stumble is a push for me to never quit.

Allah, I want to let u know that I'm trying. Never give up on me :)

Who to turn to

who do u turn to when everyone around u are dissolved in their workload just as you are? do u realise, we as human always find comfort in our parents first, if not our friends. but who is always beside u even when u don't realise it? We've always looked past Him specially in times when we'r so happy with the world.

'iaitu orang-orang yang beriman dan hati mereka menjadi tenteram dengan mengingati Allah. Ingatlah, hanya dengan mengingat Allah hati akan menjadi tenteram'

(13:18)

MOCK interview, DONE!

Alhamdulillah alhamdulillah alhamdulillah...

Dah selesai sudah mock interview wid mrs Carol Armor n may I say, she was a very nice interviewer! How I wished I cud hav an interview like dat again :)

Seriusly, i wasnt prepared much. Imagine reading all d latest technological advances in medic an hour before d interview! Nasib baik sempat.

Just nak share dat even u stayed up or skipped ur class just because u feel u weren't prepared for d interview, remember that anything cud happen and Allah will help u no matter what.

And He did just dat :) To me.

Dah la semalam dengan demo taekwondo nyer kt junior2 n sblum tu mesti la ada strenuous trainings but I made it. Memang hebat la dduk KMB nie. Sume benda kena buat all in one time. Sape2 nak jadi doktor, u're welcome to join d IB life :) It really teaches u sumthing.

Saya memang berdoa supaya Allah bagi pertolongan utk wat sume benda nie. Without Him, rasanya dah lama dah drop IB. perghh...tp betul. Beruntunglah orang2 yg dapat mengenal cinta Allah di sini walaupun secebis je.

Tips for future interviewee: Don't memorize what u're going to say (like I always did before dis) but just remember d points, not d details. And speak confidently. Support what ur saying. And most of all, BE HAPPY. kalo bleh, pakai bju cerah2 bru interviewer tu x bosan tgk kita hehe..sit n b comel :)

InsyaAllah boleh.

Soalan yg saya dapat:

-tell me about urself. where do u live bla2

-where do u want to pursue ur medical career at?

-why dat University?

-What do u want to specialize in? ( I said nephro so she asked me: Tell me d function of kidney)

-What's ur opinion on abortion?

-How do u feel about euthanasia (mercy killing)? would u do it?

-What's d latest invention in the medicine world currently?

-Tell me about ur hospital attachment.

-If u were placed at Africa (they r facing world famine at the moment) n u hav limited supply of food n medication, who would u give them to? n why?

n fave Qs: why do u want to be a doctor? Truthfully, i didnt know what to say myself but eventually I went with passion in Biology hehe..well, its true.

plus: if u dont know what they r asking or u dont quite understand d question, just ask them to repeat it or say, i dont know but i'll surely do a research on it bla3...

All d best :)

PS: After this, the real interview. don't know when. placement un x settle lg. but so far, InsyaAllah i've chosen UK as my 1st choice n Ireland as my 2nd. Pray for me evryone!

Kahwin...

salam semua... hmm, u must be wondering why i'm talking about marriage all of a sudden. actually, this isn't the first attempt i tried to post something like this. haha

anyway, i wanna share with u all on tazkirah dat was given last night at block F, KMB. we usually have a short tazkirah abt 10 mins (tho it always lasted more than dat! but i dont mind :) 'COOLSEM' stands for kuliah sepuluh minit. imagine, i'd only got to know dat dis semester, after being here for nearly a year now! ish3...

so, last night's coolsem was about 'HAKIKAT BAHAGIA'. sape penah dgr lagu UNIC nie? sy pun first time dgr. it was good. kiteorg tgh kaitkan kebahagiaan tu dgn Allah so ada la sorg kwn nie tadabbur surah Ar-Ra'd ayat 28:

(yaitu) orang-orang yang beriman dan mereka menjadi tenteram apabila mengingat Allah. Ingatlah, hanya dengan mengingat Allah hati menjadi tenteram"

Subhanallah..waktu tu rasa cm *pukk* tekena kt diri sendiri. this past few days, i've been having a conflict with myself. I've got a problem. well, not really a big one but enough to make me think abt it every now n then. Sbg seorg manusia yg kerdil, xpenah lepas dr khilaf. Asyik2 teringat kt sorg bdk nie. dia cm, bukan nk pun tp tu la. memang susah la nk control feelings nie kn especially when ure fighting with nafsu. mujahaddah tu mmg susah tmbah2 lg bila berperang dgn nafsu sendiri. Kalo tibe2 nmpak nma dia kt ym 'online' ke mesti rsa sumthing (ceh). xcukup ngn tu, tgn nie kdg2 gatal nk g tkn 'chat' tp alhamdulillah dpt mengawal diri ini drpd terjebak ke dlm bnda2 yg x menambahkn iman langsung.

Xtau kenapa, sejak 2 menjak ni tba2 risau psl the FUTURE. its true dat evry one shud worry abt it. but, wat abt ur future life with sumone? (hahaha...gile la kau nabila). Normal ke saya fikir mcm nie? bru 19 thn. nak pikir tu xde mslh, cuma (nak nasihat diri ni, tolong support ye) x yah ler fikir jauh sgt. (ye ke?)

Berbalik kpd ayat td, Subhanallah. terima kasih byk2 Ya Allah sbb masih terus mengingatkn saya kepada-Mu. Sgt sweet kn Allah tu? Even bila kita tgh sibuk2 fikir psl benda lain, Dia tetap igt kt kite. Dia lah yg menggerakkan hati sy utk dgr koolsem, dgr ayat-ayat cinta Dia. Allah tu nak sgt kita tau hanya dgn ingat kt Dia je, kita nie akn rsa semua yg kita ada dh cukup, cukup utk membuatkn kita bahagia. serius, betul.

Cuba fikir, kalau Allah xpedulikn kita, sapa lagi yg kita ada? Na'uzubillah..thank u Allah for giving me another chance. Cinta manusia, semua x kekal cuma cinta Allah je. kita xtau once we marry sumone whether he or she will love us forever or not. but Allah's love is certain, for sure :)

To the one I'm saving my heart to, if u want it, go and seek Allah for He is keeping it with Him. I don't know if fate would bring us together or not but to Allah I give my whole life to.

To my fellow sisters, rebutlah cinta Allah dahulu. awk2 sume xakan menyesal. nangislah dkt Dia, mengadulah kt Dia. Dia sentiasa ada dgn kita. InsyaAllah

Baik atau tidak baik bagiku?

Thank to all my sisters who constantly reminding me of why I am here today.

Hari demi hari mesti ada perkara yang baru yang boleh diambil ibrah atau pengajaran daripadanya. Allah tidak menjadikan sesuatu tanpa sebarang sebab. Mesti ada yang Dia nak sampaikan. Adakah kita perasan atau buat-buat tak perasan sebab tu bukan benda yang kita nak, kan?

Sesungguhnya Allah berfirman,

...tetapi boleh jadi kamu tidak menyenangi sesuatu, padahal itu baik bagimu, dan boleh jadi kamu menyukai sesuatu, padahal itu tidak baik bagimu. Allah mengetahui, sedangkan kamu tidak mengetahui (2:216)

Jom kita tadabbur sikit ayat nie. Boleh jadi sesuatu benda tu kita suka sangat2 sampaikan yang tulah yang membuatkan hati kita nie gembira kalau boleh memilikinya or gunakannya but we don't know it may not be good for us. Saya nak ambil contoh la..especially buat muslimat yang disayangi... i know this because as a matter of fact it happened to me and alhamdulillah, saya dah nampak pengajaran yang Allah nak bagi kepada saya.

I used to wear clothes that kadang2 adik saya sendiri cakap , "kakak, pakai baju adik ke?" perghh..ayat pedas. this was when I was in form 2 or 3, something like that. Kalau dulu tu, xde la rasa sangat pun pakai baju2 mcm tu nampak salah. Baju jugak en. tutup mana yang patut. pakai tudung apa. tak cukup lagi? mana ada penah pakai seluar 3 quarters keluar main, apatah lagi short. nak kena pancung buat la. Tapi, betul ke tutup? ke kita je yang rasa 'tutup'.Persoalan nie memang dah berzaman org dok cakap tapi nak tanya jgk: Adakah aurat itu sekadar menutupi rambut? Betul x kalau saya cakap, pakai tudung pun kadang2 x bertudung? hmmm..mcm mana tu? Jangan tipu diri sendiri, tudung bawal n lebih2 lagi fesyen sekarang, hmpph hampeh. semua nampak leher. at least, jarang la.

Kenapa kita pakai mcm tu ye? First reason maybe because kita x perasan pun yang apa kita pakai sebenarnya tak ada pun istilah aurat kt pakaian kita (or maybe buat2 x nampak). Ramai org tau yang dia buat salah tapi tak nak mengaku. memang susah nak mengaku kt depan org n sometimes dgn diri sendiri un kita melawan, nak cakap kita nie betul jgk. Second, because we want to look 'good' di mata manusia. kenapa kita xnak look 'beautiful' di mata Allah? Tau tak betapa berharganya seorang wanita yang ditutup auratnya dengan sempurna, xmembiarkan orang lain melihat apa yang tak patut selaind drpd muhrimnya? well, we should kerana wanita tu ialah hiasan dunia yang paling indah. Tapi bukan sebarang wanita. WANITA SOLEHAH.

Saya akui bukan senang nak bermujahadah lebih2 lagi dalam umur kita yang masih muda. tapi tu lah yang membuatkan Allah lagi sayang apabila pemuda-pemudi menjaga agamaNya dengan sebaik mungkin. I hope I'm not just writing this and don't take any action. Its easier said than done, right?

InsyaAllah Allah kurniakan kita dengan iman yang mantap untuk menjadi a push-factor for us to change for the better, pray to Him because he is never tired of listening to us :) Pray He will give us , not necessarily what we want and would like, but the best that He can give us because Allah mengetahui sedangkan kita tidak mengetahui.

Aku sedih...

Salam warahmatullah...

Ok, this is the first week after the semester break. and it's MPI (minggu Penghayatan Islam) in kmb. But so far, i've seen so many wrongdoings and ironies in the students itself.

Sedih la... Allah has given so many peringatan dah kat kita semua. Kenapa xnk ambil? Kenapa buat2 x nampak? Kenapa kita takut nak cakap, "what you're doing right now is wrong." kenapa kita x cegah kemungkaran?

This particularly goes to me. Takut nya Ya Allah, kalau nanti Allah tanya apa yang aku dah buat untuk Islam? Subhanallah.. jangan kata nak dibandingkan dengan baginda Rasulullah, bahkan dengan rakan-rakan yang hati mereka Allah dah takhluki pun, apalah sangat yang aku dah contribute...

Nak bagitau jugak yang hati ni sebenarnya tengah sedih tengok kawan-kawan kt kmb. bukan semua cuma segelintir sahaja. tapi, kerana nila setitik rosak susu sebelanga. maybe some of you know what I'm talking about. Ambil lah segala peringatan yang Allah dah bagi dalam masa seminggu nie utk panduan seumur hidup. ya, hidayah Allah ada di mana-mana sahaja tapi kalau kita buat2 x nampak, xboleh jugak. Grab it, my sisters. Know that I love you all dan saya nak kita semua berjumpa balik di syurga firdausi insyaAllah. Dan kalau saya ada salah silap, please correct me. tell me. kita sama2 pernah dan masih melakukan kesalahan2 jadi sama2 lah kita beri peringatan insyaAllah.

Sincerely,

your Muslim sister

A quote

A woman should be so in love with Allah

that A man has to seek Him

in order to find her

Wahai muslimah2 sekalian, x dinafikn amatlah susah utk buat mcm nie. bg sesiapa yg dapat cinta Allah, simpanlah elok2. jgn lah dgn senang hati buang. Kalau nak bandingkn cinta Ilahi dgn cinta manusia, yg mana lebih kekal? So, (bercakap pada diri sendiri jugak hehe) open your heart to Allah first.