Contentment

what do I have to have before I can feel content?

"maka pernahkah kamu melihat orang yang menjadikan HAWA NAFSUnya sebagai TUHANNYA dan Allah membiarkannya sesat dgn sepengetahuanNya, dan Allah telah mengunci pendengaran dan hatinya serta meletakkan tutup atas penglihatannya? Maka siapakah yang mampu memberinya petunjuk selain Allah (membiarkannya sesat)? Mengapa kamu tidak mengambil pelajaran?"

(45:23)

one of the many things about ODOJ is that it pushes me to read the Quran and a lot of times, i always found a new ayat which I didn't remember crossing.

and this ayat certainly left a trace and more like a big 'penumbuk' too. 

hawa nafsu. from what we used to understand, its all about lust. but in Muntalaq, al-hawa is everything that is not Islam. Its either wahyu or al-hawa. al-haq or al-batil. nothing in between, and certainly no grey areas..

If you have two things which is totally opposite but you love both so equal, but yet you have to choose between the two, how can you possibly do it? 

The last sentence in this ayat: mengapa kamu tidak mengambil pelajaran?

at first, i didn't think of anything but then when i re-read it, its like Allah is telling me , 'you've been down this road before.' you have made a mistake once, and you are willing to repeat it again???

when He made our hearts hardened, and He closes our eyes so that we became oblivious to His Hidayah, isn't that just...the worst thing ever?

we have felt once, what its like to live in a pile of mud, so content with the filth and smell, because we couldn't see past the fun playing in the mud, our dreams were just like that of a child. then, Allah pulled us out, away from the filth and start to take a step towards His hidayah. light upon light. cahaya di atas cahaya. 

yet now, we want to go back to that place again and choose al-hawa' over al-haq?

but its just too painful to leave it behind. 

it would be more painful to suffer in the Hereafter.

still, its too painful.

but still, what is more painful? suffering now or in the Hereafter?

i thought i would be content if I can have dot.dot.dot. but i'm just fooling myself with childish dreams. i hope i'm not too late to chase that eternal dream, the one I know will come true.