PK

boleh la nak tadabbur satu movie ni. eh.

take what is relevant.

"You say there is only one God. I say there is two. One, who created us. The other, is the one you created." -PK

this, truly, has opened and blown my mind away.
to the simplest questions that he asks, yet, no one seemed to brave enough to answer. everyone keeps it to themselves. including me.

ada sorg ukhti kata,
iman seseorang itu berbeza.
bila saya kata, "aku percaya" saya banyakkan ibadah
bila sahabat kata, "aku percaya" dia terus berjihad.

now everywhere i look, i see how awful the world, the media, the enemies has stigmatized us Muslims and Islam itself.
with just mere shouts of "Allahu Akbar" and something bad happens, then all fingers are pointing to us. us with the hijabs, us who carries the Muslim identity.

If I can pick a fairytale stories that I think suits with today's situation, it would be 'The Emperor's new clothes'. When each and everyone knows and SEES that there is something so terribly wrong with what the emperor is 'wearing', and yet, because no one dares to speak out, they all just stay quiet and nod their heads agreeing with what seems to be 'right'.
but finally a child from the crowd suddenly shouted out, "he's not wearing anything!", only then, did everyone realised.

No, everyone has long realised it. but its just because the majority stays silent and no one wanted to  be the odd one out. even though they would be telling the truth.

Now tell me, isn't the world we're living now the same?

"maka beruntunglah orang2 yang dagang."

and now i can see macam mana golongan yang sedikit dapat mengalahkan golongan yang banyak. because it was never about the numbers.
it's whether you are with al-haq or al-batil.

betul lah, Allah bagi janji, kemenangan tu milik Dia. and whoever side we're on, make sure its under Him.

solitude

I think for me, the meaning of tarbiyyah is becoming clearer.
For a long time, I thought I could survive on my own. but that's just it. Tarbiyyah means you have to hold on. But you can't hold on, on your own, for long.
There's always a reason why we were made as an ummah. one person means so much to another. why our deen is and always will be based on how strong we are when we're together.
One stick can easily be broken, but not when its in a big bundle tied with one string.
and now, it is becoming harder to hold on to this tarbiyyah especially if you're alone. He will surely test you. and I am going through it right now.
Once, not so long ago, all I ever wanted was a time for myself. to build myself and become stronger. No doubt I have others to go to but you know, there's always a period of time, usually when everyone is looking for you, that you just need to leave them and go away to a quiet place. just you, alone. away from the bustling of people. from the noise.
no matter how many times we've all heard it, i'm just going to say it again: when you finally have what you want, it will become a test rather than a nikmat. Be it anything.
For me, right now, its that period of silence. period of no one searching for you, no one worrying about you. no one, to ask you how's your iman. just you, trying to maintain it. we're not even talking about raising it. just trying to be just above that danger zone.

we all need sustenance. we all need tarbiyyah.
just, for once, appreciate the company Allah has given you. and that period of being alone, is not for forever. once you gain back the strength that you need, you need to quickly join others again.

kejar apa sebenarnya?

Bila pandang manusia kat luar sana, selalu jgk la timbul persoalan, "how can they go on living their lives with no absolute purpose?" I mean, they don't even know the reason why they exist in the first place, let alone the aim!
Alhamdulillah, for the nikmat of knowing. Out of all the people living on this Earth, Allah has chosen you and I.

Tapi, bila hari berganti hari, minggu berganti minggu, I find myself in the same place as them, surprisingly. Rasa macam tgh buat dakwah. Usrah, daurah alhamdulillah, Allah mudahkan untuk pergi dengan rela hati. tapi sayang, bila balik kpd kehidupan realiti, jauh dari hati2 yang menghidupkan, terus ter'mould' dgn sekeliling. walhal, DI claim diri ini sedang membuat dakwah.

Kalau cokelat dgn keju tak masuk, mana kan pula al-haq dgn al-batil? they.just.don't.mix.
Patutlah dalam muntalaq bab satu: kita menolak al-hawa. kebersihan yang total dari prinsip yang kita pegang selama ni. its either black or white eh.

yang bergelar daie still tak terlepas jugak. sebab hakikatnya kita manusia. sering mencelupkan diri dalam masyarakat tetapi setiap kali lepas tu, selalu jugak lupa untuk membersihkan hati. sampaikan tak sedar yang hati dah semakin gelap, walhal claiming that ure actually doing da'wah. dah jadi robot dakwah la pulak.

no wonder I don't feel His words are for me.
no wonder I don't feel His presence. Ihsan hilang entah ke mana.
and the worst part is, u think that u're on the right track, but the fact is you're lost.
I'm lost.

I feel like I'm back at square one. mungkin org nampak tgh buat kerja, tapi sayang, amal tanpa rasa dkt hati.

Then, last week, betullah susunan Allah tu yang paling terbaik, bila ditempatkan di kalangan orang yang hati2 diorang hidup.
dan bila duduk antara diorg ni, rasa la diri ni baik jugak (heh). tempias je.
tapi still, Allah is the best planner after all.

dah lama rupanya tak dapat taujihat yang menyentuh hati. rasa mcm selama ni asyik membina otak je, kepala semakin besar tapi hati mengecut.
bila jalan dakwah dilihat sebagai kerja sahaja, bukan sebagai jalan untuk dapat the ultimate aim tu. betul lah, u should only do something that u would pour ur heart and soul into, and achieve that happiness in doing it. kalau tak, rugi je penat lelah. tak dikira sbg amal, mengomel je banyak kerja.

the title of that particular chapter from that particular book was "khusyuk yang tiada lagi." takut takkk.. mula2 dengar, org lain bukan main sentap lagi, but truthfully, i didn't feel anything at first. how bad was that? nampak sangat hati keras mcm batu, cuma xsedar bila dia start mengeras.
i was like 'what does that suppose to mean?' but i didn't say it out loud. mau segan tak terasa.
(satu masalah lagi bila org ingat kita la antara yang baik, lagi la tak sedar yang hati dah nak mati.)
So, we read the whole chapter. I was the reader. by the end, all I can was, seriusly, alhamdulillah.
alhamdulillah for that person who brought the book and gave it to me to read it out to other people. more like a tazkirah to myself. tazkirah yang menyucikan. yang menyedarkan. yang...membuka balik hati.
its amazing how a person's writing can influence you. not just the mind but more importantly the heart itself. May Allah bless the writer with His hikmah and hidayah throughout his life.

What struck me the most was when it said, 'tubuh tunduk untuk rasa khusyuk, tapi hati tak turut serta. Itulah khusyuk yang munafik.' ever get the feeling someone just punched u right in the middle of your chest? yeah, that's what I got. and i'm very thankful for that punch.
kita rasa kita dah cukup baik, tambah bila ORANG LAIN nampak kita baik. tak sedar bila masa laaaa riak tu masuk dalam hati. sampai bila dah biar lama, hati start tumbuh titik2 hitam. dari dalam. it is more impossible to wipe that dot away because it came from inside you. bila kita rasa kita dah buat dakwah, buat usrah bagai. cakap bagai nak rak. bila mana sebenarny, yang keluar dr mulut tu, cuma sekadar buih dan suara. nothing else. it doesn't even touched the hearts that u want to. sbb rasa orang tu nampak kita sebagai satu figure. 'of course laaa dia dapat apa yang aku nak sampaikan.'

when the aim is not Allah's redha anymore, then you've just lost it. completely oblivious to the fact that u're diverged far away from where you want to end.
when the obsession is no longer Him, the heart seeks something else to fill that void, and sadly, it is only temporary and tiring to run after it.

Bila rasa letih, mungkin ada benda yang tak kena?
mungkin la kan.

I don't wanna feel tired anymore. how people perceive you can differ, not everyone likes you. that is the truth. sebab tu rasa penat nak kejar orang. but if you look beyond and you're clear of what you are actually aiming at, and you're doing your best trying to reach it by doing the right thing, in sha Allah He'll let you hit that bullseye. syurga sedang menanti hati orang2 yang hidup untuk Dia, kan?

those 'extra' things

To actually having everything but yet not being able to do it.
it's hard right?
thinking of all those people that have the same interest, same dream but because of the limit, they couldn't do it. they can't.
Right now, to be able to realise with all the nikmat given, masyaAllah I don't think i've been able to do the right thing.
it was never what I wanted to do but with my capabilities, what I can and have to do.
Given the freedom, a little girl in palestine can have her education.
Given the time, a dying person would want to make the best of the time she has left.
Given Islam, you would want to treasure it so badly and try your hardest to jump in the bandwagon too, with the people who tries their hardest to reach UA, together.

I guess living on my own has made me realise all the 'extra' things I have been given. comfort, warmth, love, and chance.
chance to actually make a change to this world.
chance to make a change in other person.
chance to really touch other people's heart.
chance to know and make Islam as my deen. and the realisation that it is not just for me.

even though i know it will not be easy, swimming in the opposite direction, i know and i'm sure there are others beside me. who are also holding on to Him and have that faith.
that kind of faith.
this heart might be rusty every now and then,
but that light, His light is always a cleanser.

p/s: tersangatlah rindu sentuhan itu.
you know who you are

Contentment

what do I have to have before I can feel content?

"maka pernahkah kamu melihat orang yang menjadikan HAWA NAFSUnya sebagai TUHANNYA dan Allah membiarkannya sesat dgn sepengetahuanNya, dan Allah telah mengunci pendengaran dan hatinya serta meletakkan tutup atas penglihatannya? Maka siapakah yang mampu memberinya petunjuk selain Allah (membiarkannya sesat)? Mengapa kamu tidak mengambil pelajaran?"

(45:23)

one of the many things about ODOJ is that it pushes me to read the Quran and a lot of times, i always found a new ayat which I didn't remember crossing.

and this ayat certainly left a trace and more like a big 'penumbuk' too. 

hawa nafsu. from what we used to understand, its all about lust. but in Muntalaq, al-hawa is everything that is not Islam. Its either wahyu or al-hawa. al-haq or al-batil. nothing in between, and certainly no grey areas..

If you have two things which is totally opposite but you love both so equal, but yet you have to choose between the two, how can you possibly do it? 

The last sentence in this ayat: mengapa kamu tidak mengambil pelajaran?

at first, i didn't think of anything but then when i re-read it, its like Allah is telling me , 'you've been down this road before.' you have made a mistake once, and you are willing to repeat it again???

when He made our hearts hardened, and He closes our eyes so that we became oblivious to His Hidayah, isn't that just...the worst thing ever?

we have felt once, what its like to live in a pile of mud, so content with the filth and smell, because we couldn't see past the fun playing in the mud, our dreams were just like that of a child. then, Allah pulled us out, away from the filth and start to take a step towards His hidayah. light upon light. cahaya di atas cahaya. 

yet now, we want to go back to that place again and choose al-hawa' over al-haq?

but its just too painful to leave it behind. 

it would be more painful to suffer in the Hereafter.

still, its too painful.

but still, what is more painful? suffering now or in the Hereafter?

i thought i would be content if I can have dot.dot.dot. but i'm just fooling myself with childish dreams. i hope i'm not too late to chase that eternal dream, the one I know will come true.

life

Because you were born into this world to unlock every secret of life. So that you will be among those who will get husnul khotimah.
Live on this world as if you are a traveler eh?

There is more to life than life. trying to tick very boxes there are in your dream list.

what is the essence of being alive now?

yang menyayangi

salam warahmatullah.

Biiznillah dipanjangkan lagi detik hidup untuk terus menghirup udaraNya, menyaksikan hebatnya alam buatanNya dan in sha allah, masih terpilih untuk berada di jalanNya.

suatu nikmat yang tak terhingga apabila Dia terus menerus memasukkan kita dalam kalangan orang yang sibuk mencari cintaNya, menangis secara tetiba (that is a nikmat, trust me) apabila Allah izinkan suatu perasaan yang tak boleh digambarkan, cuma boleh dirasakan, bila mana kasih sayang Allah datang menyerpa di hati. 

p/s: before i go on, i pray that Allah still gives me the ni'mat untuk memaknai setiap perkataan yang akan ditulis. 

sangat normal la bila kecik2 dlu, masa yang paling banyak kena marah sebab kita belajar melalui kesalahan most of the times. and we still do. mistakes can be the greatest lesson. bila dah habis kena marah, secara langsungnya, we learned not to repeat the same mistakes again. Rasulullah saw pun bersabda, "seorang mukmin tidak boleh jatuh dua kali ke dalam lubang yang sama (HR Muslim)". 

Tapi Allah, has His own way of teaching us what can and cannot be done throughout our journey in this mere resting place. This is what I felt at least.

Allah build us into what we are dengan kasih sayang. dakwah ni pun dengan kasih sayang. 

rasa macam tak memaknai lagi sepenuhnya Allah ar-rahman. 

kalau dgn parents or anyone else, selepas berkali2 dimarahi, mungkin dipukul waktu kecik2 dulu, then you learned the lesson: 'do not repeat this, or mummy & daddy will be angry'. 

but with Allah, baru nampak kepentingan berdoa dan untuk terus minta Dia guide supaya nampak antara kebenaran dan kebatilan. tambah2 lagi masa sekarang yang memang fitnah is everywhere, tak tahu macam mana nak bezakan antara yang baik dan buruk. bahaya kot. 

selalu kena mintak dgn Allah tunjukkan yang betul tu dgn kasih sayang Dia. open the door of forgiveness, and show me, 'what do I have to do now , Allah ? which road should I take?' bila mana buntu yang tersangatlah buntu. dan bila mana kita dah incline ke arah yg sangat Allah tak suka tapi kita suka, mintak supaya kuat untuk ikut dgn apa yang Allah nak sebab we believe, believe that Allah knows best, neraca Allah yang paling betul. 

haish hebat sgt lah Allah. bila dh tenggelam dalam lumpur yg hina, then Allah tarik balik kita ke permukaan untuk bernafas balik, rasa sangat disayangi , rasa.... SAFE. fitrah manusia kot untuk merasakan diri ini dilindungi. and Allah provide that safety. it took me long enough to realise this hehs