those 'extra' things

To actually having everything but yet not being able to do it.
it's hard right?
thinking of all those people that have the same interest, same dream but because of the limit, they couldn't do it. they can't.
Right now, to be able to realise with all the nikmat given, masyaAllah I don't think i've been able to do the right thing.
it was never what I wanted to do but with my capabilities, what I can and have to do.
Given the freedom, a little girl in palestine can have her education.
Given the time, a dying person would want to make the best of the time she has left.
Given Islam, you would want to treasure it so badly and try your hardest to jump in the bandwagon too, with the people who tries their hardest to reach UA, together.

I guess living on my own has made me realise all the 'extra' things I have been given. comfort, warmth, love, and chance.
chance to actually make a change to this world.
chance to make a change in other person.
chance to really touch other people's heart.
chance to know and make Islam as my deen. and the realisation that it is not just for me.

even though i know it will not be easy, swimming in the opposite direction, i know and i'm sure there are others beside me. who are also holding on to Him and have that faith.
that kind of faith.
this heart might be rusty every now and then,
but that light, His light is always a cleanser.

p/s: tersangatlah rindu sentuhan itu.
you know who you are

Contentment

what do I have to have before I can feel content?

"maka pernahkah kamu melihat orang yang menjadikan HAWA NAFSUnya sebagai TUHANNYA dan Allah membiarkannya sesat dgn sepengetahuanNya, dan Allah telah mengunci pendengaran dan hatinya serta meletakkan tutup atas penglihatannya? Maka siapakah yang mampu memberinya petunjuk selain Allah (membiarkannya sesat)? Mengapa kamu tidak mengambil pelajaran?"

(45:23)

one of the many things about ODOJ is that it pushes me to read the Quran and a lot of times, i always found a new ayat which I didn't remember crossing.

and this ayat certainly left a trace and more like a big 'penumbuk' too. 

hawa nafsu. from what we used to understand, its all about lust. but in Muntalaq, al-hawa is everything that is not Islam. Its either wahyu or al-hawa. al-haq or al-batil. nothing in between, and certainly no grey areas..

If you have two things which is totally opposite but you love both so equal, but yet you have to choose between the two, how can you possibly do it? 

The last sentence in this ayat: mengapa kamu tidak mengambil pelajaran?

at first, i didn't think of anything but then when i re-read it, its like Allah is telling me , 'you've been down this road before.' you have made a mistake once, and you are willing to repeat it again???

when He made our hearts hardened, and He closes our eyes so that we became oblivious to His Hidayah, isn't that just...the worst thing ever?

we have felt once, what its like to live in a pile of mud, so content with the filth and smell, because we couldn't see past the fun playing in the mud, our dreams were just like that of a child. then, Allah pulled us out, away from the filth and start to take a step towards His hidayah. light upon light. cahaya di atas cahaya. 

yet now, we want to go back to that place again and choose al-hawa' over al-haq?

but its just too painful to leave it behind. 

it would be more painful to suffer in the Hereafter.

still, its too painful.

but still, what is more painful? suffering now or in the Hereafter?

i thought i would be content if I can have dot.dot.dot. but i'm just fooling myself with childish dreams. i hope i'm not too late to chase that eternal dream, the one I know will come true.

life

Because you were born into this world to unlock every secret of life. So that you will be among those who will get husnul khotimah.
Live on this world as if you are a traveler eh?

There is more to life than life. trying to tick very boxes there are in your dream list.

what is the essence of being alive now?

yang menyayangi

salam warahmatullah.

Biiznillah dipanjangkan lagi detik hidup untuk terus menghirup udaraNya, menyaksikan hebatnya alam buatanNya dan in sha allah, masih terpilih untuk berada di jalanNya.

suatu nikmat yang tak terhingga apabila Dia terus menerus memasukkan kita dalam kalangan orang yang sibuk mencari cintaNya, menangis secara tetiba (that is a nikmat, trust me) apabila Allah izinkan suatu perasaan yang tak boleh digambarkan, cuma boleh dirasakan, bila mana kasih sayang Allah datang menyerpa di hati. 

p/s: before i go on, i pray that Allah still gives me the ni'mat untuk memaknai setiap perkataan yang akan ditulis. 

sangat normal la bila kecik2 dlu, masa yang paling banyak kena marah sebab kita belajar melalui kesalahan most of the times. and we still do. mistakes can be the greatest lesson. bila dah habis kena marah, secara langsungnya, we learned not to repeat the same mistakes again. Rasulullah saw pun bersabda, "seorang mukmin tidak boleh jatuh dua kali ke dalam lubang yang sama (HR Muslim)". 

Tapi Allah, has His own way of teaching us what can and cannot be done throughout our journey in this mere resting place. This is what I felt at least.

Allah build us into what we are dengan kasih sayang. dakwah ni pun dengan kasih sayang. 

rasa macam tak memaknai lagi sepenuhnya Allah ar-rahman. 

kalau dgn parents or anyone else, selepas berkali2 dimarahi, mungkin dipukul waktu kecik2 dulu, then you learned the lesson: 'do not repeat this, or mummy & daddy will be angry'. 

but with Allah, baru nampak kepentingan berdoa dan untuk terus minta Dia guide supaya nampak antara kebenaran dan kebatilan. tambah2 lagi masa sekarang yang memang fitnah is everywhere, tak tahu macam mana nak bezakan antara yang baik dan buruk. bahaya kot. 

selalu kena mintak dgn Allah tunjukkan yang betul tu dgn kasih sayang Dia. open the door of forgiveness, and show me, 'what do I have to do now , Allah ? which road should I take?' bila mana buntu yang tersangatlah buntu. dan bila mana kita dah incline ke arah yg sangat Allah tak suka tapi kita suka, mintak supaya kuat untuk ikut dgn apa yang Allah nak sebab we believe, believe that Allah knows best, neraca Allah yang paling betul. 

haish hebat sgt lah Allah. bila dh tenggelam dalam lumpur yg hina, then Allah tarik balik kita ke permukaan untuk bernafas balik, rasa sangat disayangi , rasa.... SAFE. fitrah manusia kot untuk merasakan diri ini dilindungi. and Allah provide that safety. it took me long enough to realise this hehs 

Biiznillah

Biiznillah.

Dari dulu hingga sekarang,
Tiada daya dan kuasa melainkan Dari Allah semata.
Nak bangun pun kena minta tolong Dia.
With this intricately designed storage system, i seriously don't know how much info can be put at one time.
Tapi yang meluaskan itu, Dia.
Melapangkan dada dan membersihkan hati sampai tak de lagi benda2 yang boleh menjadi penghalang antara Dia dan saya.

DI minta sangat2, dengan masa yang akan diperoleh balik nanti, DI gunakan untuk ummah. Na'uzubillah, bukan untuk diri sendiri. Sebab dah berlalu masa tidurku

Ticking clock

When you have all the time in the world, you forget that you can do many things within that given time.
When you have so little time, you're able to finish everything in that tiny amount of time.
Aneh kan?

That is how people work.
Dan DI rasa Allah bagi responsibilities yang sangat banyak sebab nak suruh kita buat kerja. At least, we are doing something.

Sebab rehat seorang daie tu tiada tempat melainkan di sorga- quoted.

Dengan segala kekuatan yang Allah beri, gunakan untuk ummah.

Jaga saya

Ihsan. Dah lama tak buat ye, DI?

Banyaknya hak orang2 yang tak tertunai lagi. Kalau betul2 ihsan, tak akan ketepikan pun hak2 diorang. Sebab ihsan. Sebab buat memang untuk Allah.

I think i'm at a point where i have become too indulged in my own world, trying to correct what is outside of me, reaching for people that are far away but inside, i am afraid that i have become...empty. 

For what am i doing what i am currently doing? Is it because everyone is doing it? I am scared that i am doing all this ,for nothing. Absolutely nothing. Just to fill that feeling of do ing something right but actually, i am doing it for nothing. 

I have so many things that i have to do, i can barely breathe. Trying to do everything, on my own. Taking care of myself, ignoring others. Trying to love, but pushing myself away from being loved. Being cared for. Because i cannot handle it. I just.dont.know.why.

I am trying to be strong. But it became wrong when i do it because of me. I cannot cry anymore, not as much as i used to. 

What i say, i don't mean. What i read, i don't feel. 

Deep down, just deep down, i am not as strong . 

Because i can't run from the fact that i need You.

I am just a servant. Hamba yang masih mencari kekuatan itu, Allah.

I think i just need to hold on. A little bit longer. Sebab ihsan. Sebab Allah tgk and Allah jaga.

Allah ada. Untuk jaga.