A lie

I often lie to myself. I say that I'm in a search for Allah, but I'm not even trying. He keeps giving me signs and clues through everyone and everything that's happening around me, but I didn't see. I turned away.

Last night made me realised that if I want Allah with me, I need to be in a constant search for Him. I don't know about everyone else but I can only focus on one thing at a time. everything that i do, is a step-by-step process. being an IB student, you have to prioritize right? it's true in a way. but also wrong. I've been prioritizing other things, unimportant n unnecessary things. Where is Allah in my heart? I've been telling myself, "oh, He's here Nabila, in ur heart. you can turn to Him whenever you want.'

But that's just it. He's not. He's trying to be but it's me who's not letting Him in.

Allah has not made for a man two hearts in his interior.

33:4

Allah made us with one heart and this heart is only for Him. How unfortunate for us if we let something else to be inside us.

Boleh x bagitau saya tuan yang mencari hambanya? It's hard to find, isn't it? I can only find Allah who does that. Who are we to Allah? but then again, what have we done to Him? Its never enough to give back what He has given us. Allah asks us only to do two things in this life: Be an a'bid and a khalifah. Have we done any one of those thing correctly? These questions goes to me in particular. I haven't been able to answer them truthfully all this while. All I did is lie to myself. saying things that made me seem like a good person but actually, i'm nowhere near it.

I can't do this alone, i know that. Its hard as it is. This is where ukhwah fillah comes in :) just knowing I have my Muslim brothers and sisters who r on the same road with me, pulling me back up whenever I stumble is a push for me to never quit.

Allah, I want to let u know that I'm trying. Never give up on me :)