being independent

When we were young, we couldn't wait to grow up. But now when I'm nearly 20, all I could think about is how scary the whole world seems to be.
We can't hold on to our loved ones forever.
We don't know how long we have left in this world.
Dunia ibarat satu persinggahan, n when we leave this all behind, we would be all on our own.
tapi xsempat nak smpai ke situ lagi, DI dah rsa takut. bukan takut apa, just that it seems i'm going to go a journey independently.
Dah sampai satu tahap, kena sorang2. no one physically by my side.
camne tu?

maybe because of the way I've been brought up, the way I've been treated, I'm used to have people to be there beside me. Letak je la kat mana2 pon, kalau ada phone, mesti akan call parents at least once a day. so much for being the eldest ,eh? kt mrsm, kt kmb, wajib cakap ngn parents sekali sehari. xpon msg.

my dad, who is dear to my heart would come and fetch me even though its a 4 hours drive from my home to taiping. my ummi, an angel, she told me to get the next flight back to Kedah when I whined I wanna go home a week before the IB exam.
haaaaaaa...

sahabat2? i'm sorry they had to put up with me nearly 24/7. Ada sorg sahabat kata, "eeee, ko bleh tak jgn jln dekat2 ngn ak sgt? stgi tercmpk msuk dlm longkang kot." Yep, my habit. kalau jalan tu, rsa cm magnet nk melekat kt org. mau org tak menyampah. sesetengah org ok, but not everyone.
for those who knew me well, they let me hold their hands. haha. coz they now i'm a kid at heart.

but one day, ada sorg yg sgt2 DI kasihi fillah cakap: "Bella, awak kena jadi matang."
for some reason, it just struck me, hard. Orang lain tau je perangai DI mcm mana but I know that it's true, that I have to change.

There will come a time where I have no one beside me except Him, so I might as well get used to it. I don't want people to see me as someone who can't take care of herself, someone who would cry any second when something goes wrong.
Nak kata I'm strong, no. but I'm trying to be. Believe me. Changing from one phase of my life to another, that's hard.

But its going to be fine.

"...dan berpegang teguhlah kepada Allah. Dialah pelindungmu; Dia sebaik-baik pelindung dan sebaik-baik penolong" (22:78)

I have the best protector and the best helper I could ever ask for. Being independent doesn't mean being alone. It's just that I can stand on my own with Him looking out for me. 

InsyaAllah