kejar apa sebenarnya?

Bila pandang manusia kat luar sana, selalu jgk la timbul persoalan, "how can they go on living their lives with no absolute purpose?" I mean, they don't even know the reason why they exist in the first place, let alone the aim!
Alhamdulillah, for the nikmat of knowing. Out of all the people living on this Earth, Allah has chosen you and I.

Tapi, bila hari berganti hari, minggu berganti minggu, I find myself in the same place as them, surprisingly. Rasa macam tgh buat dakwah. Usrah, daurah alhamdulillah, Allah mudahkan untuk pergi dengan rela hati. tapi sayang, bila balik kpd kehidupan realiti, jauh dari hati2 yang menghidupkan, terus ter'mould' dgn sekeliling. walhal, DI claim diri ini sedang membuat dakwah.

Kalau cokelat dgn keju tak masuk, mana kan pula al-haq dgn al-batil? they.just.don't.mix.
Patutlah dalam muntalaq bab satu: kita menolak al-hawa. kebersihan yang total dari prinsip yang kita pegang selama ni. its either black or white eh.

yang bergelar daie still tak terlepas jugak. sebab hakikatnya kita manusia. sering mencelupkan diri dalam masyarakat tetapi setiap kali lepas tu, selalu jugak lupa untuk membersihkan hati. sampaikan tak sedar yang hati dah semakin gelap, walhal claiming that ure actually doing da'wah. dah jadi robot dakwah la pulak.

no wonder I don't feel His words are for me.
no wonder I don't feel His presence. Ihsan hilang entah ke mana.
and the worst part is, u think that u're on the right track, but the fact is you're lost.
I'm lost.

I feel like I'm back at square one. mungkin org nampak tgh buat kerja, tapi sayang, amal tanpa rasa dkt hati.

Then, last week, betullah susunan Allah tu yang paling terbaik, bila ditempatkan di kalangan orang yang hati2 diorang hidup.
dan bila duduk antara diorg ni, rasa la diri ni baik jugak (heh). tempias je.
tapi still, Allah is the best planner after all.

dah lama rupanya tak dapat taujihat yang menyentuh hati. rasa mcm selama ni asyik membina otak je, kepala semakin besar tapi hati mengecut.
bila jalan dakwah dilihat sebagai kerja sahaja, bukan sebagai jalan untuk dapat the ultimate aim tu. betul lah, u should only do something that u would pour ur heart and soul into, and achieve that happiness in doing it. kalau tak, rugi je penat lelah. tak dikira sbg amal, mengomel je banyak kerja.

the title of that particular chapter from that particular book was "khusyuk yang tiada lagi." takut takkk.. mula2 dengar, org lain bukan main sentap lagi, but truthfully, i didn't feel anything at first. how bad was that? nampak sangat hati keras mcm batu, cuma xsedar bila dia start mengeras.
i was like 'what does that suppose to mean?' but i didn't say it out loud. mau segan tak terasa.
(satu masalah lagi bila org ingat kita la antara yang baik, lagi la tak sedar yang hati dah nak mati.)
So, we read the whole chapter. I was the reader. by the end, all I can was, seriusly, alhamdulillah.
alhamdulillah for that person who brought the book and gave it to me to read it out to other people. more like a tazkirah to myself. tazkirah yang menyucikan. yang menyedarkan. yang...membuka balik hati.
its amazing how a person's writing can influence you. not just the mind but more importantly the heart itself. May Allah bless the writer with His hikmah and hidayah throughout his life.

What struck me the most was when it said, 'tubuh tunduk untuk rasa khusyuk, tapi hati tak turut serta. Itulah khusyuk yang munafik.' ever get the feeling someone just punched u right in the middle of your chest? yeah, that's what I got. and i'm very thankful for that punch.
kita rasa kita dah cukup baik, tambah bila ORANG LAIN nampak kita baik. tak sedar bila masa laaaa riak tu masuk dalam hati. sampai bila dah biar lama, hati start tumbuh titik2 hitam. dari dalam. it is more impossible to wipe that dot away because it came from inside you. bila kita rasa kita dah buat dakwah, buat usrah bagai. cakap bagai nak rak. bila mana sebenarny, yang keluar dr mulut tu, cuma sekadar buih dan suara. nothing else. it doesn't even touched the hearts that u want to. sbb rasa orang tu nampak kita sebagai satu figure. 'of course laaa dia dapat apa yang aku nak sampaikan.'

when the aim is not Allah's redha anymore, then you've just lost it. completely oblivious to the fact that u're diverged far away from where you want to end.
when the obsession is no longer Him, the heart seeks something else to fill that void, and sadly, it is only temporary and tiring to run after it.

Bila rasa letih, mungkin ada benda yang tak kena?
mungkin la kan.

I don't wanna feel tired anymore. how people perceive you can differ, not everyone likes you. that is the truth. sebab tu rasa penat nak kejar orang. but if you look beyond and you're clear of what you are actually aiming at, and you're doing your best trying to reach it by doing the right thing, in sha Allah He'll let you hit that bullseye. syurga sedang menanti hati orang2 yang hidup untuk Dia, kan?