Reason to live

When i was in 3rd year, with exam just around the corner, my fb wall was suddenly flooded with news about a fire that happened in Moscow and few malaysian medical students were involved in it. And then, there were news about one student whom I have never ever met before, who unfortunately suffered severe injury from the accident and died. 

At such a young age. Yet, she has touched the hearts of many. Stories about the good deeds that she did were written by those who knew her. What caught my attention was one of the many which said , "saya bersaksi yang akak dah tunaikan shahadatul haq akak." 

And then, more statements came after that. All that claimed that you have done your job, akk. 

At that very moment, you have touched my heart in so many ways. 

I even printed 'kata-kata semangat' that was based on your stories. You were in your final year of Medicine. Sikit je lagi. But Allah willed other ways for you. Because He wanted you to have a better ending. And because you have done what you need. 

And then i forgot about you for a while. 

Last night, i slept at 12.30 am. Before i closed my eyes, a thought came into my mind , what if You want to take me on the same day as I was born? Out of all the days to think it about, i just wondered. Sebelum ni jarang sangat nak fikir. Tak ingat the last time fikir benda ni. Maybe the first and last thing yg bermain di kepala, the next day nak kena buat apa. Rasa yakin je dgn ad next day. 

Terbangun pukul 3 pagi. It was dark but it was a different kind of dark. I was so afraid i was somewhere I wasn't used to. The last thing i remembered was thinking about death. And it shook me to the core. It took a good few minutes for me to realise i was just in my room under my duvet, but that feeling was surreal. Checked my phone, it was 3.39am. Allah has indeed given me another chance by giving me another day . 

And today, my fb wall was flooded by news about the death of yet another fighter, a newly qualified doctor, a sister who has been so strong throughout her journey. She chose to live. With the limited time that she had, she chose to carry on with her fight and did her best in what she does. She was blessed with a strong family by her side too. Never met her in my life. But now i know its possible you can touch the hearts of so many people through your life. Through what you have learned so that it can be a lesson to others who have yet to be on their way to meet our Rabb. 

Moga Allah kurniakan khusnul khatimah buat mujahidah2 ini, yang telah hidupkan beribu hati yang terlena n terleka. Moga Allah terus kurniakan semangat untuk terus berlari. My time to rest is not here yet, so keep going eh? 

There must be a reason why Allah has chosen me to live today.

in Your hands

Tidak ada sesuatu musibah yang menimpa seseorang, kecuali dgn izin Allah; dan barangsiapa beriman kepada Allah, nescaya Allah akan memberi petunjuk kepada hatinya. Dan Allah mengetahui segala sesuatu

(64:11) 

you know, in the du'a that we make after reading mathurat, there's a bit where we say: 'Jangan Engkau biarkan nasib kami ditentukan oleh diri kami sendiri...'

I mean, how far do we go in saying it as actually we really mean it?

Leaving everything in Your hands, was one of the hardest thing I had to force myself to comprehend. and being able to accept and believe, that actually I have no power in what has happened and what will happen. 

and I have asked for a new heart time and time again. and You actually did. but I was the one who always messed it up. time and time again. how ungrateful can a servant be?

I am at the verge of breaking, but You're the one who is holding me whole, and always has been. and it took so many life events for me to be able to open my eyes and see it. 

this road is ever so long Allah.

and i've been making the wrong turns many times. 

life is indeed a great big test. 

hikmah

its hard actually whenever you are given a hardship, and you want to see the good things behind it.
i think its because  i am so focused on the problem itself that i failed to see the hundred blessings that are in disguise.

hardships are blessings in disguise.

really?

have faith, Nabila. it has been a while hasn't it? you say to people, trust Allah.
and how much do you actually trust in Allah, hmmm?

running towards Allah should be all the time, not just when you are faced with difficulties.
remember that.

Allah, calm this little hard heart of mine please? 

mud

To be playing in the mud
once you have already cleaned yourself
now, how stupid is that?