in Your hands

Tidak ada sesuatu musibah yang menimpa seseorang, kecuali dgn izin Allah; dan barangsiapa beriman kepada Allah, nescaya Allah akan memberi petunjuk kepada hatinya. Dan Allah mengetahui segala sesuatu

(64:11) 

you know, in the du'a that we make after reading mathurat, there's a bit where we say: 'Jangan Engkau biarkan nasib kami ditentukan oleh diri kami sendiri...'

I mean, how far do we go in saying it as actually we really mean it?

Leaving everything in Your hands, was one of the hardest thing I had to force myself to comprehend. and being able to accept and believe, that actually I have no power in what has happened and what will happen. 

and I have asked for a new heart time and time again. and You actually did. but I was the one who always messed it up. time and time again. how ungrateful can a servant be?

I am at the verge of breaking, but You're the one who is holding me whole, and always has been. and it took so many life events for me to be able to open my eyes and see it. 

this road is ever so long Allah.

and i've been making the wrong turns many times. 

life is indeed a great big test.