solitude

I think for me, the meaning of tarbiyyah is becoming clearer.
For a long time, I thought I could survive on my own. but that's just it. Tarbiyyah means you have to hold on. But you can't hold on, on your own, for long.
There's always a reason why we were made as an ummah. one person means so much to another. why our deen is and always will be based on how strong we are when we're together.
One stick can easily be broken, but not when its in a big bundle tied with one string.
and now, it is becoming harder to hold on to this tarbiyyah especially if you're alone. He will surely test you. and I am going through it right now.
Once, not so long ago, all I ever wanted was a time for myself. to build myself and become stronger. No doubt I have others to go to but you know, there's always a period of time, usually when everyone is looking for you, that you just need to leave them and go away to a quiet place. just you, alone. away from the bustling of people. from the noise.
no matter how many times we've all heard it, i'm just going to say it again: when you finally have what you want, it will become a test rather than a nikmat. Be it anything.
For me, right now, its that period of silence. period of no one searching for you, no one worrying about you. no one, to ask you how's your iman. just you, trying to maintain it. we're not even talking about raising it. just trying to be just above that danger zone.

we all need sustenance. we all need tarbiyyah.
just, for once, appreciate the company Allah has given you. and that period of being alone, is not for forever. once you gain back the strength that you need, you need to quickly join others again.

kejar apa sebenarnya?

Bila pandang manusia kat luar sana, selalu jgk la timbul persoalan, "how can they go on living their lives with no absolute purpose?" I mean, they don't even know the reason why they exist in the first place, let alone the aim!
Alhamdulillah, for the nikmat of knowing. Out of all the people living on this Earth, Allah has chosen you and I.

Tapi, bila hari berganti hari, minggu berganti minggu, I find myself in the same place as them, surprisingly. Rasa macam tgh buat dakwah. Usrah, daurah alhamdulillah, Allah mudahkan untuk pergi dengan rela hati. tapi sayang, bila balik kpd kehidupan realiti, jauh dari hati2 yang menghidupkan, terus ter'mould' dgn sekeliling. walhal, DI claim diri ini sedang membuat dakwah.

Kalau cokelat dgn keju tak masuk, mana kan pula al-haq dgn al-batil? they.just.don't.mix.
Patutlah dalam muntalaq bab satu: kita menolak al-hawa. kebersihan yang total dari prinsip yang kita pegang selama ni. its either black or white eh.

yang bergelar daie still tak terlepas jugak. sebab hakikatnya kita manusia. sering mencelupkan diri dalam masyarakat tetapi setiap kali lepas tu, selalu jugak lupa untuk membersihkan hati. sampaikan tak sedar yang hati dah semakin gelap, walhal claiming that ure actually doing da'wah. dah jadi robot dakwah la pulak.

no wonder I don't feel His words are for me.
no wonder I don't feel His presence. Ihsan hilang entah ke mana.
and the worst part is, u think that u're on the right track, but the fact is you're lost.
I'm lost.

I feel like I'm back at square one. mungkin org nampak tgh buat kerja, tapi sayang, amal tanpa rasa dkt hati.

Then, last week, betullah susunan Allah tu yang paling terbaik, bila ditempatkan di kalangan orang yang hati2 diorang hidup.
dan bila duduk antara diorg ni, rasa la diri ni baik jugak (heh). tempias je.
tapi still, Allah is the best planner after all.

dah lama rupanya tak dapat taujihat yang menyentuh hati. rasa mcm selama ni asyik membina otak je, kepala semakin besar tapi hati mengecut.
bila jalan dakwah dilihat sebagai kerja sahaja, bukan sebagai jalan untuk dapat the ultimate aim tu. betul lah, u should only do something that u would pour ur heart and soul into, and achieve that happiness in doing it. kalau tak, rugi je penat lelah. tak dikira sbg amal, mengomel je banyak kerja.

the title of that particular chapter from that particular book was "khusyuk yang tiada lagi." takut takkk.. mula2 dengar, org lain bukan main sentap lagi, but truthfully, i didn't feel anything at first. how bad was that? nampak sangat hati keras mcm batu, cuma xsedar bila dia start mengeras.
i was like 'what does that suppose to mean?' but i didn't say it out loud. mau segan tak terasa.
(satu masalah lagi bila org ingat kita la antara yang baik, lagi la tak sedar yang hati dah nak mati.)
So, we read the whole chapter. I was the reader. by the end, all I can was, seriusly, alhamdulillah.
alhamdulillah for that person who brought the book and gave it to me to read it out to other people. more like a tazkirah to myself. tazkirah yang menyucikan. yang menyedarkan. yang...membuka balik hati.
its amazing how a person's writing can influence you. not just the mind but more importantly the heart itself. May Allah bless the writer with His hikmah and hidayah throughout his life.

What struck me the most was when it said, 'tubuh tunduk untuk rasa khusyuk, tapi hati tak turut serta. Itulah khusyuk yang munafik.' ever get the feeling someone just punched u right in the middle of your chest? yeah, that's what I got. and i'm very thankful for that punch.
kita rasa kita dah cukup baik, tambah bila ORANG LAIN nampak kita baik. tak sedar bila masa laaaa riak tu masuk dalam hati. sampai bila dah biar lama, hati start tumbuh titik2 hitam. dari dalam. it is more impossible to wipe that dot away because it came from inside you. bila kita rasa kita dah buat dakwah, buat usrah bagai. cakap bagai nak rak. bila mana sebenarny, yang keluar dr mulut tu, cuma sekadar buih dan suara. nothing else. it doesn't even touched the hearts that u want to. sbb rasa orang tu nampak kita sebagai satu figure. 'of course laaa dia dapat apa yang aku nak sampaikan.'

when the aim is not Allah's redha anymore, then you've just lost it. completely oblivious to the fact that u're diverged far away from where you want to end.
when the obsession is no longer Him, the heart seeks something else to fill that void, and sadly, it is only temporary and tiring to run after it.

Bila rasa letih, mungkin ada benda yang tak kena?
mungkin la kan.

I don't wanna feel tired anymore. how people perceive you can differ, not everyone likes you. that is the truth. sebab tu rasa penat nak kejar orang. but if you look beyond and you're clear of what you are actually aiming at, and you're doing your best trying to reach it by doing the right thing, in sha Allah He'll let you hit that bullseye. syurga sedang menanti hati orang2 yang hidup untuk Dia, kan?

those 'extra' things

To actually having everything but yet not being able to do it.
it's hard right?
thinking of all those people that have the same interest, same dream but because of the limit, they couldn't do it. they can't.
Right now, to be able to realise with all the nikmat given, masyaAllah I don't think i've been able to do the right thing.
it was never what I wanted to do but with my capabilities, what I can and have to do.
Given the freedom, a little girl in palestine can have her education.
Given the time, a dying person would want to make the best of the time she has left.
Given Islam, you would want to treasure it so badly and try your hardest to jump in the bandwagon too, with the people who tries their hardest to reach UA, together.

I guess living on my own has made me realise all the 'extra' things I have been given. comfort, warmth, love, and chance.
chance to actually make a change to this world.
chance to make a change in other person.
chance to really touch other people's heart.
chance to know and make Islam as my deen. and the realisation that it is not just for me.

even though i know it will not be easy, swimming in the opposite direction, i know and i'm sure there are others beside me. who are also holding on to Him and have that faith.
that kind of faith.
this heart might be rusty every now and then,
but that light, His light is always a cleanser.

p/s: tersangatlah rindu sentuhan itu.
you know who you are

Contentment

what do I have to have before I can feel content?

"maka pernahkah kamu melihat orang yang menjadikan HAWA NAFSUnya sebagai TUHANNYA dan Allah membiarkannya sesat dgn sepengetahuanNya, dan Allah telah mengunci pendengaran dan hatinya serta meletakkan tutup atas penglihatannya? Maka siapakah yang mampu memberinya petunjuk selain Allah (membiarkannya sesat)? Mengapa kamu tidak mengambil pelajaran?"

(45:23)

one of the many things about ODOJ is that it pushes me to read the Quran and a lot of times, i always found a new ayat which I didn't remember crossing.

and this ayat certainly left a trace and more like a big 'penumbuk' too. 

hawa nafsu. from what we used to understand, its all about lust. but in Muntalaq, al-hawa is everything that is not Islam. Its either wahyu or al-hawa. al-haq or al-batil. nothing in between, and certainly no grey areas..

If you have two things which is totally opposite but you love both so equal, but yet you have to choose between the two, how can you possibly do it? 

The last sentence in this ayat: mengapa kamu tidak mengambil pelajaran?

at first, i didn't think of anything but then when i re-read it, its like Allah is telling me , 'you've been down this road before.' you have made a mistake once, and you are willing to repeat it again???

when He made our hearts hardened, and He closes our eyes so that we became oblivious to His Hidayah, isn't that just...the worst thing ever?

we have felt once, what its like to live in a pile of mud, so content with the filth and smell, because we couldn't see past the fun playing in the mud, our dreams were just like that of a child. then, Allah pulled us out, away from the filth and start to take a step towards His hidayah. light upon light. cahaya di atas cahaya. 

yet now, we want to go back to that place again and choose al-hawa' over al-haq?

but its just too painful to leave it behind. 

it would be more painful to suffer in the Hereafter.

still, its too painful.

but still, what is more painful? suffering now or in the Hereafter?

i thought i would be content if I can have dot.dot.dot. but i'm just fooling myself with childish dreams. i hope i'm not too late to chase that eternal dream, the one I know will come true.

life

Because you were born into this world to unlock every secret of life. So that you will be among those who will get husnul khotimah.
Live on this world as if you are a traveler eh?

There is more to life than life. trying to tick very boxes there are in your dream list.

what is the essence of being alive now?

yang menyayangi

salam warahmatullah.

Biiznillah dipanjangkan lagi detik hidup untuk terus menghirup udaraNya, menyaksikan hebatnya alam buatanNya dan in sha allah, masih terpilih untuk berada di jalanNya.

suatu nikmat yang tak terhingga apabila Dia terus menerus memasukkan kita dalam kalangan orang yang sibuk mencari cintaNya, menangis secara tetiba (that is a nikmat, trust me) apabila Allah izinkan suatu perasaan yang tak boleh digambarkan, cuma boleh dirasakan, bila mana kasih sayang Allah datang menyerpa di hati. 

p/s: before i go on, i pray that Allah still gives me the ni'mat untuk memaknai setiap perkataan yang akan ditulis. 

sangat normal la bila kecik2 dlu, masa yang paling banyak kena marah sebab kita belajar melalui kesalahan most of the times. and we still do. mistakes can be the greatest lesson. bila dah habis kena marah, secara langsungnya, we learned not to repeat the same mistakes again. Rasulullah saw pun bersabda, "seorang mukmin tidak boleh jatuh dua kali ke dalam lubang yang sama (HR Muslim)". 

Tapi Allah, has His own way of teaching us what can and cannot be done throughout our journey in this mere resting place. This is what I felt at least.

Allah build us into what we are dengan kasih sayang. dakwah ni pun dengan kasih sayang. 

rasa macam tak memaknai lagi sepenuhnya Allah ar-rahman. 

kalau dgn parents or anyone else, selepas berkali2 dimarahi, mungkin dipukul waktu kecik2 dulu, then you learned the lesson: 'do not repeat this, or mummy & daddy will be angry'. 

but with Allah, baru nampak kepentingan berdoa dan untuk terus minta Dia guide supaya nampak antara kebenaran dan kebatilan. tambah2 lagi masa sekarang yang memang fitnah is everywhere, tak tahu macam mana nak bezakan antara yang baik dan buruk. bahaya kot. 

selalu kena mintak dgn Allah tunjukkan yang betul tu dgn kasih sayang Dia. open the door of forgiveness, and show me, 'what do I have to do now , Allah ? which road should I take?' bila mana buntu yang tersangatlah buntu. dan bila mana kita dah incline ke arah yg sangat Allah tak suka tapi kita suka, mintak supaya kuat untuk ikut dgn apa yang Allah nak sebab we believe, believe that Allah knows best, neraca Allah yang paling betul. 

haish hebat sgt lah Allah. bila dh tenggelam dalam lumpur yg hina, then Allah tarik balik kita ke permukaan untuk bernafas balik, rasa sangat disayangi , rasa.... SAFE. fitrah manusia kot untuk merasakan diri ini dilindungi. and Allah provide that safety. it took me long enough to realise this hehs 

Biiznillah

Biiznillah.

Dari dulu hingga sekarang,
Tiada daya dan kuasa melainkan Dari Allah semata.
Nak bangun pun kena minta tolong Dia.
With this intricately designed storage system, i seriously don't know how much info can be put at one time.
Tapi yang meluaskan itu, Dia.
Melapangkan dada dan membersihkan hati sampai tak de lagi benda2 yang boleh menjadi penghalang antara Dia dan saya.

DI minta sangat2, dengan masa yang akan diperoleh balik nanti, DI gunakan untuk ummah. Na'uzubillah, bukan untuk diri sendiri. Sebab dah berlalu masa tidurku

Ticking clock

When you have all the time in the world, you forget that you can do many things within that given time.
When you have so little time, you're able to finish everything in that tiny amount of time.
Aneh kan?

That is how people work.
Dan DI rasa Allah bagi responsibilities yang sangat banyak sebab nak suruh kita buat kerja. At least, we are doing something.

Sebab rehat seorang daie tu tiada tempat melainkan di sorga- quoted.

Dengan segala kekuatan yang Allah beri, gunakan untuk ummah.

Jaga saya

Ihsan. Dah lama tak buat ye, DI?

Banyaknya hak orang2 yang tak tertunai lagi. Kalau betul2 ihsan, tak akan ketepikan pun hak2 diorang. Sebab ihsan. Sebab buat memang untuk Allah.

I think i'm at a point where i have become too indulged in my own world, trying to correct what is outside of me, reaching for people that are far away but inside, i am afraid that i have become...empty. 

For what am i doing what i am currently doing? Is it because everyone is doing it? I am scared that i am doing all this ,for nothing. Absolutely nothing. Just to fill that feeling of do ing something right but actually, i am doing it for nothing. 

I have so many things that i have to do, i can barely breathe. Trying to do everything, on my own. Taking care of myself, ignoring others. Trying to love, but pushing myself away from being loved. Being cared for. Because i cannot handle it. I just.dont.know.why.

I am trying to be strong. But it became wrong when i do it because of me. I cannot cry anymore, not as much as i used to. 

What i say, i don't mean. What i read, i don't feel. 

Deep down, just deep down, i am not as strong . 

Because i can't run from the fact that i need You.

I am just a servant. Hamba yang masih mencari kekuatan itu, Allah.

I think i just need to hold on. A little bit longer. Sebab ihsan. Sebab Allah tgk and Allah jaga.

Allah ada. Untuk jaga.

Untuk nak meminta maaf, please. That is not me

Tapi disebabkan Allah, dgn serendah-rendah ego yang aku boleh turunkan,
Aku minta maaf.

You won't have to bear with me any longer, insyaAllah.
Because i did not take care of what Allah has given me. And i know Allah will take that away from me not too long after this.

Allah, forgive me for I have done wrong. Especially to others.
Forgive me because i thought i have managed to overcome all the obstacles thrown to me.

Moulding

Kerana dakwah ni jalan yang panjang.
Kerana kerja ini bukanlah imbalannya dapat serta-merta 
Kerana yang ku harapkan ialah redha Allah semata.

Ya rabb,
How hard it is to mould a heart, only You know!
But then again, only You that can give them hidayah.
Sometimes it is just so ... Hard. To keep going. To keep giving when you know that they don'T even want to be given.
This morning when i woke up, i just felt like giving up.
Why should i work so hard for something that i couldn't see the result of?

But
I remembered how You made their hearts close to mine. How their talks, their smiles made me such a happy and blessed person for the whole day!
Maybe this is what it feels like to have someone you love so dearly, to have that chance of knowing You as well!

Ya rabb,
Make my heart steadfast.
Give me that iradah qawiyah.
If this was not for the sake of You, i would have left. Because it takes so much effort just to keep praying and hoping.
But then again, have you tried enough, DI? Rasulullah knocked on 100 tents before he eventually came to one that would accept islam. And yet, you are only knocking on what, 2nd or 3rd tents only?

May Allah make me steadfast.

a place i look forward to

I hope the excitement is not merely for taking pictures.
I hope the excitement is not only for travelling to see places and people, which I love.

But I really hope Allah has set for me a journey, that can strengthen me, hati dan fizikal, and everyone who is going to embark on this jaulah.

Alhamdulillah dianugerahkan satu perasaan yang... tak sabar nak pergi. tak sabar nak menghirup udara bumi Islam.
The capital of the Ummah. weyhhhhhh.. the city of the ummah!
tanah yang pernah menerima kedatangan seorang rijal Allah yang semangatnya begitu berkobar2 untuk tawan constantinople. not for power. tapi dia tahu kalau dia berjaya, Islam akan tertegak atas muka bumi nie. Ustaziyatul Alam. Everyone would turn to Islam to seek answers, to solve problems, to be the guide.

tak rasa hairan ke kenapa Islam sekarang tak macam tu? what's this about syria, palestine, angola and the rest of muslims in the world? where is Allah's promise that if we take care of His religion, then success and everything on this Earth will bow down to muslims?
where is that ummah now? where is that khalifah?
"maka alangkah anehnya bahawa kita sebagai orang muslim, tetapi kita berkubang dalam lumpur kehinaan, kita semua orang2 muslim tetapi kita hidup sebagai budak2!''

tipu diri sendiri kalau tak pernah nak menyoalkan benda2 macam ni. why would someone wants to be a muslim in the first place when we are suffering like this?
why do we have to have the strength to hold on to Allah's words and continue to fight for Islam?


but haven't the past already proved that Islam was once at its peak? and how come we are at the lowest point right now?

Where is the best place to look if its not the history?
The hadith in which the Prophet said:
"You will conquer Constantinople. Its commander is the best and its army (that will conquer it) is the best."

Waktu tu Islam baru nak naik. dan kat tengah2 jazirah arab. how can they do something that is almost impossible??? tapi iman sahabat2 n org Islam waktu tu are incomparable with us. They believed with their heart and soul that if Allah wills it, then it will happen insyaAllah, the most powerful city on earth.

Sultan Muhammad al-fateh, if we looked at how he was being raised, despite having born into the family of sultan and surrounded by wealth, he understood Islam clearly. the conquest he was planning was not merely for power as all the other great empires at that time would do. He understood, that conquering Constantinople mean that Islam would be at its rightful place. Everyone will hear about Islam.

and it would have been impossible if only al-fateh who understood this. His army were the best of people. they were prepared for the conquest as well. semangat jihad berkobar2 dalam diri. They loved Islam so much.
These people, whom Allah blessed, held Islam strong as their faith. One story which really showed their understanding of Islam:  
Al-fateh went out to check on his soldiers and people, to see were they really prepared to conquer constantinople. he was dressed as a normal commander and none knew who he really was. he went to one man and said, "I want to buy some cheese, some milk and some honey." the main replied, " i can sell you the cheese but for the milk and honey, please, i have already made enough sales for today, go to my brother in that store over there as i want him to make some sales too."
 so, al-fateh went to the next salesman and said that he wanted to buy milk and honey. the man replied, "i can sell you the milk but for the honey alhamdulillah, i have made my sales today. you can go the my brother over there so he can make sales too."
 Al-fateh said after that, "subhanallah with these akhlak and this love as muslims and this unity, we are not just going to conquer constantinople, rather we will conquer the world."

Subhanallah! this is just one example. and you would not be surprised why Allah allowed them to conquer constantinople.

going back to where muslims are in the present time and how we are treated, is it fair to say Allah has not kept His promise? Allah gave success to those who are true believers, true meaning that its not just words of faith that comes out of their mouth but iman, their faith, their acts reflects what a true muslim should be. They do not say the syahadah and at the same time have other things as their 'ilah'. they do not take only Allah's words which are only applicable for their situation but chose to disobey others that seem unpractical in their lives.

aren't we like that?

and yet we expect Allah to raise us as muslims as khalifah to this world.
where do we put the Quran ? in our hearts or on the shelves? is it merely there to be read when you feel lost, or even worse in our community, to get rid of ghosts and sihr?
words of Allah but yet what we do is read it and then blow into water , drink it in the hope for success in studies and to get better in health.
pfft.. rely on us eh to take care of the religion.

this goes to me more than anyone else. i want to say that its time to take action and not just wake up. wake up and do nothing is the worst. you know something yet you kept it to yourself. and when Allah questions us what have we done ... na'uzubillahi min zalik.

and that is why i am so looking forward to this jaulah. nak menghirup semangat al-fateh and his people. we, as one ummah need to make a change together. hebatnya muslim bukan pada seorang, as we need each other to strengthen our ties. Allah, keep our hearts together.

may Allah make us among those who loves Him and would do anything to bring Islam to its rightful place. allahu akhbar!